One Wish Away
by LAIsobel
Summary: Jack and Sam were forced to face their emotions - raw and deep. Of course, there were some consequences. All they've ever wanted was right there - just one wish away - and yet out of their reach. But there's always hope, right? Emotional and rather sad one-shot written because I had inspiration and things I had to deal with... R&R if you like.


**Timeline / Spoilers** – set after _Beneath the surface_ – didn't know where to put it and this seemed like a good place. So spoilers up there plus I know Mark had just two kids – in this story he has three, put up with me please, hope it'll be worth it. Also please put up with me for the lame reason why should Mark (or his wife) drive through Springs due to the reasons you'll find soon... if you have better idea let me know, if not, please just close your eyes and don't let that one weak moment disturb you... it really is not that important for the story. I apologize though.

**A/N** - trust me, I had lots and lots of inspiration for this one… happy moments, sad moments… all of it. I think I put pieces of my heart into this…

**_For Gatehead & Vini – thank you!_**

* * *

"So, tell me doctor, how are they?"

"Sir?" Janet asked General Hammond, not really understanding. They have just spoken about the condition of all SG-1 members. She just told him about their results – they've been home for about two weeks now.

"I need to know, Janet, off the record." He said, gently now.

Janet closed the door behind her and sat down in front of the General. She knew he just cared about his people but she was torn anyway. There were things she should never talk about with him – for her protection and his also. But by his look he knew that as well. He was just asking.

"Give them time, Sir, if you can. That's all I can tell you."

"Do you think giving them time will help given the circumstances?"

"Well, Teal'c is practically fine already, Daniel asked for a few more sessions with a psychiatrist to clear something up which is his normal rational thing to do although I doubt that they will talk about the things they should but I do believe that he will be well enough to go back to work when he's supposed to, Sir. And when it comes to Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter…"

"Will they be fit for duty eventually?" He asked, becoming serious again.

"Yes." And she sounded confident enough – or at least she hoped so.

"Where's the catch?"

"Sir, what those memory stamps did to them… we cannot even pretend to understand. They need to cope and we know they cope in their own way. And it takes time. They passed their sessions with the psychiatrist but we both know that in their case it doesn't mean that much… but there are other ways for them, and those usually help."

"So when Jack wants to leave for his cabin, I should let him and when Major Carter comes here and wants to spend a lot of time in her lab in her downtime, I should let her…"

"Something like that, yes, Sir. They are scheduled for a check-up in two weeks. Let's wait till then."

"Thank you, doctor." Hammond said and Janet just nodded. She couldn't do a lot more anyway. She had already said too much. She left the General's office and went to the infirmary. The only thing she had left was hope. She could only pray she was right this time.

They both knew that letting SG-1 have some downtime was needed but they also knew that it was one of the most difficult things for those people to do. They just wanted them to be okay again. And if possible also fit for duty.

It was a rainy day in Colorado Springs a week ago. The sky was so grey it was actually depressing, it have been raining for hours and the color out there hadn't changed – it looked like it would keep on raining for another few hours at least. And it was cold actually. Not a good weather at all.

Sam was thinking about going to work but in the end decided to stay at home. She didn't feel like going to work – not yet. It was hard to explain but she just wanted to stay in her pajamas and woolen socks and sit on her couch with her favorite blanket over her shoulders and do nothing. She decided to blame the weather.

Being back on Earth was difficult. The first week almost made her ask for reassignment. Being confronted with two sides of her own heart and soul made her think a lot. And she didn't like the outcome. She didn't like her own thoughts. She wanted to cry - but she screamed, she run, she tried to work, she took her bike for a ride but nothing actually helped. Or maybe it did but not in that exact moment.

Sometimes being too smart really sucked – she had the tremendous tendency to over-think things, especially considering the private ones. And more and more of those were connected to her work and that was not good. Work used to be her safe place; it used to be her sanctuary – but not anymore. And she didn't know how to cope with that above everything else.

She sighed and lied down onto her couch. She had another three weeks to pass before her final evaluation. She was glad that neither Janet nor the General tried to persuade her to try few more sessions with the psychiatrist. She couldn't do that. That person could tell when she was lying. Words were not said but she had a bad feeling about it anyway. And besides – consequences of this particular mission would be hunting her for a long time – few more hours spent with a psychiatrist wouldn't make a difference.

When her phone rang she didn't pick up at first. It just was not the time to talk to anybody. When her cell-phone started to ring she decided to pick it though. And it was her brother. She was happy to hear his voice, they've been trying to mend the broken and almost broken bridges for some time now and she was glad – it felt nice being a family again.

They talked for a few minutes before he asked her for a favor. She wanted to say no at first but then realized that it could be fun and pretty interesting as well, besides with Teal'c being away, Daniel leaving soon – he was planning on visiting Catherine; and Colonel O'Neill having the same restrictions and downtime as she was having, she had no other plans – she really didn't want to go to work – not just yet. Of course, she wasn't even allowed to but she knew that being on the base was a different story. And she was sure that she could talk to the General and ask him to let her work on some projects in her lab. Still she didn't feel like going to the mountain anytime soon.

So having no plans and hating the self-pitying state she was in, she agreed. And she was looking forward to it. She was sure it would be fun, maybe a bit tough at moments but fun none the less.

And yes, there were moments when she was inclined to think about Colonel O'Neill and what they have been put through this time but every single time she made herself forget. She knew she would have to deal with it – all of it – but she didn't feel ready. Dealing with it meant losing something dear to her and she couldn't face that, not yet.

When it came to Colonel Jack O'Neill his first two weeks back on Earth were not interesting at all. He did some gardening, he watched a lot of TV, he read a lot, he even painted his guest room and fixed all the shelves and all the windows in whole house, including the garage. Of course he wouldn't dare to admit it to anyone but he really – oh really – needed to keep his mind occupied. And working was good. Helpful. Being exhausted was good – it meant falling asleep more easily. Sometimes.

A lot of years earlier he would have been able just to put it behind him, go away for a week or two, get really drunk, spend time alone somewhere far away and then go back to work with no problems at all. But not anymore.

He wanted to be able to lock away everything from those memories through the false memories up to his feelings – and oh those were messed up right then. But he couldn't. The last few years have changed him a lot and sometimes – like after having his mind messed with – he hated that. He wished he could be what he used to be. Yeah, that attitude lasted for about a minute before he realized that the person he was now was so much better. And had much to live for unlike the guy he used to be before meeting Daniel and others, before this assignment. No, he wouldn't want to be who – and what – he used to be, not really. Things just seemed to be more simple back then.

It wasn't easy for him to be forced like this to face his raw and deepest emotions.

What surprised him was that he was about to call Daniel few times and he even wanted to call George Hammond just to talk to him - but then decided against it. He needed time for himself. It sucked but it was true. The only number he had actually dialed was Carter's. But in a second he would always put the phone down. It had never even rung.

Based on their previous experience he'd say that they would never talk about it. Not that they could anyway… They would see each other on the base, they would smile, they would accept everything and they would pretend it was all okay. It just had to be that way. Again.

It took him two weeks to realize that he had actually been hoping that they would talk about it. How stupid was that of him anyway? They were not allowed to talk. They couldn't talk. They never talked – not about this. It was just the way things had to be. But it didn't mean he liked the way. Oh he used – of course he used to – it was the safest thing for both of them on most occasions – but now he hated it.

Yeah, he knew that dealing with this mission would be more than just difficult. It already was. And they were only at the beginning of the recovery road. He just hoped she was in better shape than he was, he hoped she was okay.

Sam actually was okay. Her sister-in-law would stop by the next day – and she was looking forward to it. Another thing to keep her away from thinking too much about things she was not allowed to think about. And she knew she would be occupied by being aunt again – and she loved that thought.

Daniel called Jack and asked him if he could take him to the airport. He didn't want to take a taxi, for some reason he was not willing to talk about he didn't like those. Jack agreed, he was his friend, of course he would take him to the airport. When they met they hugged like long-time lost friends. Oh – another thing not to be spoken of – ever. But it came as something natural to them this time.

Jack gave Daniel a small package and asked him if he could give it to Catherine.

"Of course… what's inside?" Daniel's curiosity was on high alert.

"Just a little thing she asked me to bring her." Jack answered with a mischievous grin.

"Jack?"

"Don't worry, it's not dangerous and it won't beep when you go through the metal detector." He said with a smile. Daniel looked skeptical but agreed anyway. As he knew Jack and Catherine it was probably just something sweet inside anyway. Probably something he was not even supposed to have on Earth though. Those two could be sometimes unbelievable.

"Don't get into any troubles while I'm gone," Daniel told him and Jack just smirked.

"Yeah, you keep safe too," Jack answered.

Daniel was being called to board his plane but before leaving Jack he stopped him and looked serious there for a minute. Jack knew what would come and he so wanted to stop it – but knew it was pointless. Daniel would say it anyway.

"Jack, talk to her."

"Daniel…" Jack warned him.

"I won't say anything else, don't worry, I know you wouldn't listen anyway."

"Thank you." Jack said and it looked like Daniel would just nod and walk away but well – being Daniel he had to add at least a little more. Jack knew he would.

"But she is your close friend, no matter what else, she is your friend. You two care about each other and this is something you should talk about before going back to work. And if you don't want to talk about it, it's your choice but just stop by and talk about something else. Just don't do your usual shutting people out thing, not this time, okay?" Daniel tried, knowing he was walking on a very thin ice – and he could also see Jack closing up before him.

He knew this was a sensitive topic but he feared that it had been too much on them during the past few months and that it would result in something really bad. He felt sorry for his friends. It was difficult to explain, especially in their situation but he just knew that the thing they needed was a bit of trust. Oh they trusted each other with their lives and souls, of course, but they were not showing it when they should. And after something this traumatizing they just needed to spend some time together – to be Jack and Sam – friends. He didn't want to see them suffer. Not more than they had to due to their "situation". But he knew they were both stubborn and that talking could be something close to impossible for them. They would just close up and meet on the base and pretend everything was okay. But it wasn't. And he didn't want to see them broken.

"Daniel, stop it…" Jack warned him again, his voice more hurt than angry.

Daniel just looked at him sadly. "Please. Talk to her." And with that he turned away and walked to his gate to board the plane.

Jack watched him go and knew he had a decision to make. Tough one.

During one evening he had made the decision... and a lot of time passed before Jack actually gathered up the courage to ring the bell at Carter's door. He still wasn't sure this was such a good idea but the truth was that he had missed her and felt deep inside that they really had to face this before going back to work. And one part of him also kept on telling him that they would have to decide if they were going back to work – or just one of them was. If there ever was a time to think about retirement – it was now. But as he knew her they wouldn't get to this topic – ever.

Sam was just doing the dishes, she knew she looked like hell, she was exhausted, she was dirty and her living room was a mess, but she was glad she could have kept herself occupied with something so nice whole day. She was surprised when the doorbell rang. She went to the door and opened it.

Not in a million years she would think he would be standing there, dressed casually, looking nervous and so handsome, with pizza box and some other paper-bag she couldn't identify in his hand. He smiled when he saw her but they were both silent.

"Oh, um… hi."

"Hey, Carter…"

And the silence again. Jack dropped his head and when he looked up he was smiling at her. In a moment she smiled back. No words said.

"I was just passing by so I thought I would just stop by and say hello… I saw the lights, knew you were home." He said.

"Oh and you always carry food around when you're just passing by…"

"You mean the pizza and desserts? Well…"

"Sir?" She asked him, smile playing at her lips, her hands nervously holding the dish-towel. What was going on? But before he managed to answer she asked him if he wanted to come in.

"I'd love that, yeah."

"Come on in then, Sir." She told him and he made those few steps into her house. He noticed the mess in the living room and in the kitchen and had to wonder what was that about.

"Wow…"

"Sorry for the mess, Sir. Babysitting my nieces proved to be quite an adventure." Sam told him and he smiled. She took him to the kitchen – they at least had where to sit there.

"So what is about the pizza, Sir?"

And he wanted to make a joke and he wanted to let it all look… differently. But he couldn't.

"I wanted to see you so I thought that bringing pizza was a good excuse…" He offered sheepishly.

"And what's in the bag?"

"Oh, nothing…" He answered but she was already taking a look.

"Sir! How did you get these?" She asked, sounding way too excited. The bag was full of her favorite almond cookies. It was difficult to get them though because they were originally from France so finding them in Springs was actually pretty tough mission to accomplish.

"Can I keep that as a secret?" He asked playfully and she just smiled.

"Sir, how long have you been sitting in front of my house in your car?" She asked then, when she noticed the pizza was really cold.

"I don't know… I couldn't decide if I should knock on your door or not…"

"So you rang the bell." Sam said and it made him smile. That was another way how to look at it.

"I am glad you did, Sir. Coffee?"

"Yeah, coffee would be good." He said and waited for her to make them two large cups of coffee. She took him to the living room then.

Jack couldn't hold back his surprise, the room was indeed a mess – lots of pillows, blankets, books, crayons, papers, toys, plush toys, some clothes…

"So, babysitting, huh?"

"Yes… Mark and David had planned some trip together for a few days this week, you know, some father and son bonding time so the girls were with Megan. But she was told she would have to attend one conference about two hours from here today... there was nobody to watch the girls on such short notice so she took them along and dropped them here. The plan was that she would pick them up later and they would pick up Mark with David on their way back home..."

"Adventurous indeed", he said and she just smiled shyly. Yeah, he was right - this adventurous meant complicated - but well... that was life, right? Adventurous. Complicated.

"How old are they anyway?" He asked, sipping his coffee.

"Oh, Lisa is eight years now and little Ashley just turned 6 months week ago."

"Six months? Really? It feels like yesterday when you brought the first pictures…"

"I know, I know…"

"So you had fun?"

"Yes, but I am exhausted, I had no idea they could get like that." She said and chuckled. She made herself comfortable on the couch, apologized again and again for the mess and let Colonel O'Neill to sit down next to her on the couch. She was curious – she was trying to figure out why he had come. It was not usual for him to do so, not while dealing with something this personal hanging in the air between them – like being brainwashed and not remembering the regulations.

Jack was watching her, he knew she was probably thinking about his presence there but he didn't know what to say. Damn you Daniel! But it felt nice to see her. So so nice... damn again!

"Sir?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you here?" She just had to ask, she couldn't help it – she had to know. She needed to hear whatever he was willing to say.

"Honestly? I don't know. Just wanted to see you I guess… I wanted to know how you were doing."

"Okay…" And they both could agree that this was a good start.

"Have you seen Daniel?"

"Yeah, I took him to the airport the other day."

"He looked okay?" She asked and he could just nod.

"Good. I'm glad."

"Yeah, me too. He seemed fine, don't worry, Carter. And Hammond called me, told me Teal'c had contacted them, just checking in."

"Good, I was getting worried about him."

"I don't like it either when he's away for too long." He agreed and they smiled. Oh yes, they were a family, used to being together, they didn't like being separated for longer periods of time.

They kept on talking about small things, not daring to touch the subject that had been like a the proverbial huge elephant in the room since their first memories came back. But they were comfortable around each other, drinking coffee, eating cookies – and Carter had a lot of them this time.

Soon they got interrupted by a baby crying though. Jack looked so absolutely shocked that Sam almost laughed at his expression. Oh – she hadn't told him that she was babysitting overnight. She excused herself and went to check on the baby. She took her niece out of her portable crib and cradled her to her chest.

It took her few minutes but soon the girl closed her fist around her aunt's t-shirt and let her lull her to sleep again. When Sam tried to put her back into her crib she started to whimper though. So she decided to take her with her to the living room, hopefully the Colonel wouldn't mind, she thought.

Jack couldn't breathe. He saw Carter walking towards him with a baby in her arms. She was cuddling the small human being and she looked so beautiful. He hoped he hadn't been staring at her but well… He felt his heart stop. He knew this was a picture his mind would never forget. It would keep on hunting him forever. Like some other memories including Carter.

Sam came to him and smiled and he couldn't grasp the moment, the situation. He knew she was good with kids, he knew she loved kids – but seeing her with Cassandra and then with a baby was a totally different story. Especially now.

"I'm sorry… sometimes it takes her some time to fall asleep again when she's in unfamiliar surroundings."

"Nah, that's fine." He said, still looking at her.

They were quiet, not talking, just looking at each other and at the baby. It was a powerful moment for them, it was like a slap across their faces and in the same time it was the most beautiful thing that could have happened. A baby.

Jack moved closer eventually and touched the baby. The girl acted on pure instinct and grabbed his finger into her little fist. Sam couldn't help it, she smiled. And it was the most genuine smile in a very long time, she was sure of it. Here she was, sitting in her living room with her CO, holding a baby. Who would have thought?

What was this? Destiny screaming at her that this is the possible future she would never get? Or the other way around – that this was what was waiting for her? She didn't know, she couldn't wrap her head around it. It felt like the world stopped existing, the Earth stopped turning. It was just her, little Ashley and Jack O'Neill. She heard him whisper to the girl, she felt him close, she knew they were connected and she also knew that her heart was about to burst out from her chest, this was simply too much. She took a good look at the Colonel and could see that it was difficult for him too.

Jack was sitting there and knowing that this was a dirty game played by the Universe. Oh it was so unfair! It's been ages since the last time he had a baby so close to him. And this was not just some baby – it was little Carter girl – and his Carter was holding the girl in her arms. She could feel her breathing. And when Ashley took his finger into hers, his heart skipped a beat. He looked at Sam and saw her smiling at him with tears shining in her eyes.

Yes, destiny had twisted sense of humor.

It should have been difficult but it was actually easy – he could imagine this being his home and his family – Sam in dirty clothes from taking care of children through the day, him coming home to them, seeing them together, holding them in his arms, watching them, loving them, keeping them safe. He could feel deep wounds in his heart bleeding again – and in the same moment he could feel some deep wounds being healed. And he knew that he couldn't look up again – he felt tears in his eyes and he just couldn't let Carter see those.

He knew he should say something. She knew she should say something. But instead of that she let him move even closer and when he lifted his arm and gave her the opportunity to lean against his side – still with little Ashley in her arms – she took a deep breath and then moved. He put his arm around her shoulders and felt her relax.

So here they were, Sam holding a baby girl, Jack holding them both, nothing else mattered, there were just the three of them – and two broken hearts. It was a very bad idea to sit like that, they both knew so but somehow they couldn't care right then – it was just that one moment. Jack didn't know what made him lift up his arm, Sam didn't know why she didn't stay in the bedroom, why she moved closer, things just happened and so here they were, together. And it was bringing some pretty warm feelings and also lots of pain. Like all the memories they were not supposed to have.

When Sam finally gathered the courage to say something she heard Lisa scream. It sounded like she was having a really bad dream.

"Sir, could you…" she asked and was already putting Ashley into his arms. Before he could say anything he had his arms full of a different Carter – smaller one – and Sam was running to her bedroom. He could hear her comforting her other niece in few moments.

He looked at the baby in his arms and couldn't be more surprised. Ashley was awake again, probably startled by the change, looking at him, holding his finger. So he started to talk to her nicely, quietly and she seemed to be fine enough – she wasn't crying, she seemed happy and content. Well he was warm and obviously comfy so why should she complain, right? Looking at her he understood few things.

The most important one was that if he ever was to be a father again, it would be only to a Carter's child. It shocked him to the depths of his heart and soul but it was true. He knew it would probably never happen but he was sure about it. This was it.

Damn! She was his Second in Command, she was a fellow soldier, she was a colleague and a friend and he was not supposed to think about her like that. But with Ashley in his arms he couldn't control the trail of his thoughts. So what, it might never happen, he knew that, he just didn't care.

He loved Sara deeply and screwed up, destroyed their relationship and lost her. And when he least expected it Sam appeared in his life and slowly he had fallen for her and he knew that he had given her his heart completely. There could be nobody else. And if it meant waiting – than be it. And if it meant never being with anyone again – he would live with that, knowing it was the way things were supposed to be.

So now he was enjoying all the warm feelings spreading through his veins. There was a baby in his arms falling asleep again. Lulled by his voice and slow motion of his arms, she trusted him enough to fall asleep. He gave a silent thought to his son and then kissed the girl on her forehead.

Sam was sitting in her bed, her other niece in her arms, falling asleep after having a bad dream. Sam knew that this evening would mean some pretty wild dreams – and she meant that in all possible senses. It just wasn't fair!

When she finally was sure that Lisa wouldn't wake up again, she walked away from the room back to the living room. She stopped dead in her tracks though – Jack O'Neill was there, holding Ashley, cradling her to his chest, whispering something in the beautiful warm tone of his voice to her… Sam wanted to run and scream – and she wanted to go to him and kiss him - and she wished the moment would never end. If she could stop the time…

However she knew she couldn't stay standing there forever so slowly she moved forward. She didn't try to take the baby from the Colonel's arms though. It was so beautiful to see him there like that. She just sat down next to them, close so she could see Ashley clearly – and that she could also lean against him – perhaps.

Jack looked at her and neither could talk. It was too much. He was the one to start a conversation later - much later. He asked her if Lisa was okay.

"Yes, she's fine, don't worry… she's just not used to be sleeping in such big bed."

"Had difficulties falling asleep?" He asked sympathetically and she nodded. She suddenly remembered how ashamed she had felt before.

"Hey… what happened?" He asked her, sensing she needed to get it out of her chest. He didn't give her Ashley back though. So what, he was maybe being selfish but he knew he wouldn't be able to hold a baby for a long time… if ever again. And he was loving the feeling too much.

"I screwed up." Sam answered and he just looked at her – not believing her.

"How come?"

"She got scared."

"Sam, what happened?" He asked again and she just put her head on the couch, close to him so she could keep her eyes on Ashley and could avoid looking at him. She really was ashamed.

"I thought she'd be thrilled that she'd be sleeping with me in my big bed. And she was excited… we had fun and managed everything. Then when she was lying in the bed and I turned off the lights and walked away, I heard her cry. I didn't know what was wrong so I came in there and saw her."

Jack didn't say anything, he knew she should finish her story first. But he already had a pretty good idea where this was going.

"I asked what was wrong and she told me she wanted to go home. She was scared. I should have realized it! I should have thought about that! She's just eight and she usually sleeps at home or over at her grandmother's, she's not used to my bedroom and to the big bed… I should have thought about that! She was scared because I screwed up…"

"What did you do?" He asked softly.

"I asked if I should stay with her and she just nodded. So I lied down next to her, she snuggled into my arms and was asleep in a minute… I stayed for another few and then left to clean this mess…"

"You did pretty well..." Jack told her and she looked at him finally. He could read in her eyes – she was angry and disappointed in herself.

"No, I didn't. She felt scared because of me. Because of my mistake. And she cried…"

"Come on, don't be that hard on yourself. You couldn't have known. And when you realized what was going on, you helped her, you comforted her, you did all you could. As you did now. She loves you, she trust you, she feels safe with you. I don't think you screwed up, Sam… you're a good aunt to them, don't worry, okay?"

And she knew that he was being honest with her. It was just very difficult for her to accept it all. She looked back at the baby and wanted to cry herself. Why things had to be that hard? Why they had to be so complicated?

"Sam… look at me." He asked, knowing she might need some more reassurance.

She looked up and knew what he was about to say.

"Please, don't say I would make a good mother." And she had so many emotions in her voice that Jack looked really surprised. As far as he knew Janet had told her that it could be difficult for her to conceive but that nothing was actually stopping her, she was healthy and strong, just with a body that had to go through a lot of stress. He didn't understood why would she say so now. But he was not about to ask. It would be too much for this one evening.

Little Jack knew that Sam didn't want to think about it because the only man she could see as the father of her children was sitting in her living room right at that moment, sweet and absolutely adorable with a baby in his arms. And she knew their chances of being together were almost nonexistent. It hurt. A lot.

"Sam…"

"Yes?"

"If we… I mean… it's just…" And he couldn't finish his sentence.

"I know." She said though and smiled sadly with tears in her eyes. She just couldn't help it – her hormones and emotions were all over the place. She couldn't control them any longer.

"I am so sorry." Jack said.

"Me too," she answered.

They kept looking at each other for a long time. Both thinking about the future that was just one wish away – but unreachable. They had a glimpse of it now – them and kids, a house, love and tender care, all of it in one beautiful package. They both wished – and knew that their wish wouldn't come true anytime soon. And it hurt. They wanted to keep some hope though – they needed hope.

Sam got up then, kissed him on his forehead – she would never understand why she had done so – and she took Ashley from his arms. He was very reluctant to give her to her. She took a step from him but in the last moment before walking away she looked at him and blinked away tears from her eyes.

"Maybe one day?" She asked so softly he almost missed her words. But they touched him so deep in his heart that he knew he wouldn't forget them – ever. How could he?

"No."

"No?" She asked, hurt.

"I mean… not maybe. One day – yes – one day." He said, not trusting his voice any more than she did. It took her a moment to understand the meaning of his broken sentence and when she did she could feel tears rolling down her cheeks. She walked away to put Ashley back into her portable crib without saying anything to him. She just couldn't.

She wished so many things right then - she wanted him to take her into his arms, she wanted him to kiss her, to offer comfort, she wanted to get lost in his arms, she wanted... a lot more. But she knew she couldn't have it - none of it - especially now. She knew the only thing she had to do was to ask - he would held her willingly, as her friend, he would take care of her, he would look after her - but she just couldn't ask him to do it. It would kill them both.

When she came back to the living room few minutes later, Jack was gone. He left her because he had to – for the sake of both of them - she knew that but still it was so difficult... He left her with hope that hurt so much, with love she couldn't have but so desperately needed, with images of family she would probably never get, with memories of a man she could see only very rarely, with longing and with need, with her arms empty and heart bleeding.

Jack stayed in his car for more than an hour. He could see Carter turning off the lights eventually and yet he couldn't leave. He wanted to go back, he wanted to hug her and tell her he loved her, he wanted to assure her that he hadn't regretted anything that had happened back _there_ but he knew he couldn't. They had to keep all that to themselves and there was no point in bringing it all back. They had done enough – experienced enough already. This evening being the so-called cherry on the top of the cake. Oh life was so cruel sometimes. He knew they had to accept it and they had to put it aside because they had their sense of duty, they had work to do, so he didn't go in to offer comfort and love, he just waited till he felt calm enough to drive home. Alone.

He would pack and go to his cabin - soon. It was the best thing he could do now. He had evaluation to pass in two weeks and he had to be one hundred percent fit for that.

Sam stayed on the couch and cried herself to sleep – for the first time since coming back, for the first time since having her memories back. She let herself be filled with her thoughts and emotions. She allowed herself this one evening before she would have to lock everything away. She would ask the General if she could start spending some time on the base, in her lab, working on some project - on Monday. She needed it... because she had to be fit for duty when she was supposed to. No other options allowed. Like usually...

So she let herself cry that night and she just wished for things to be different. And she hoped they would be – as she was promised – one day.


End file.
